Getting me through the night
by Gardenia Queen
Summary: Warning! May TRIGGER! Beca had lived horrible experiences all her life. When she met the Bellas, she'll open up slowly. And what if she had the right to fall in love? Mentions of Self-Harm, sexual and physical violence/incest, and Lesbian. Femslash (F/F) Beca / Kommissar (Becommissar) eventually. RATED M for a reason!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**

 **Hey!**

 **Be careful, this story contains things that could TRIGGER.**  
 **(Mentions of physical violence, self-harm, sexual abuse / incest, lesbianism)**  
 **Don't like? Don't read. If you do, don't mind leaving a review :)**  
 **It will be an history of 3 or 4 chapters, I'm not sure yet, but definitely Becommissar (Beca x Kommisar) but not in the first chapter (Most like the plot).**

 **if you want, you can help me improve how I write. I normally speak French, so I'm not the best in English. I'll take every comments! ;)**  
 **That being said, enjoy!**

* * *

Beca had never been the kind of girl that talked a lot. She was never babbling, neither telling how she felt. She was that kind of freaky girl that no one want to be around. So she spend the major part of her high school by herself. She was alone, but it had never bothered her. She had the music, to escape from the mean words of the others kids. They used to call her a "dike" as if she was somehow a lesbian; it wasn't because she wasn't dressing herself in pink that she was a dike! No, she was straight, she was telling herself.

Her mother wasn't interested by her. She had a new boyfriend every month or so, until she find _HIM_. Or should Beca said _IT_. He wasn't a human being, not at all. The few first week, he was sweet and kind, and the brunette was thinking that he could be her new father, since her real one was loving her _too much_ , she thought that her mother had made the right choice, for once.

She was even opening up a little to him, just a couple of words, here or there, but it was a lot of a deal for her, since she wasn't doing that with anyone else. But, slowly, he turned into that monster. That one night, he came back at her mother's place, drunk. He was walking slowly, chewing her mother's name while he was talking.

"Martha… Come here. MARTHA! "

And the silence was the only answer he got. He started mumbling in his beard, while opening violently every door of the small house. He was coming toward Beca's room, and she started feeling the fear trough her whole body. How was he, when he was drunk?

She put her blanket over her head to hide herself from him. She knew that men were mean when they were drunk. When she heard her door opening in a big "BANG", she let a gasp out. He heard.

"Come out, I know you're here. I won't hurt you, I just want to talk."

So she got out of the sheets.

"You, piece of shit!" He told her while walking to her bed "You were trying to hide yourself form me, huh?"

And he hit her.

"Where is your fucking mother, I want to get laid. NOW. SPEAK!"

"She isn't home yet." Beca answered, almost impossible to hear.

"WHAT?"

He had understood. But he was so mad that hurting her was looking like a great idea. So, he hit her, again and again, until she was on the ground, begging him to stop. He never touched her face, he didn't wanted anyone to wonder.

"You'll shut up about this, like you always do. And don't you cry. If you tell this to anyone, I'll kill you."

And he went away. She sobbed while going back on her bed. She would, for sure, have some bruises.

It went like that for several weeks, he was using her as his punching bag, and she was going more and more inside herself, hardly speaking, even in class. She was fearing more than ever the touch of someone else. And she kept the count of the days left before the end of the year. When her last year of high school would be over, she'll left, to LA, to do the only thing that ever made her felt alive, the music.

* * *

She ran away one night, before he came home, with only a backpack, her DJ material, her computer and not that much money. She couldn't stay any longer, or she'll die. The bus to go to LA was out of her possibilities, and she had no friend, nowhere she could go. But then, an idea bloomed in her head.

She decided to go to her dad's. Maybe he had changed over the last 4 years. And if he didn't, she still can get a room on the campus of Barden University, where he was working. That sounded like an almost great plan.

She had to escape to him. Even if she didn't took the final exams, she knew that her good grades would cover up for that. She just couldn't go with him around anymore, she couldn't bare the fear every time the door was opening, or even his fists and foot hitting her, breaking her more every day.

The bus arrived, and she gave 36$ to the driver. She went to the back of the bus, and opened her laptop, mixing songs for the next four hours of bus.

When she walked out of the bus, it was 6, and the sun was starting to rise. _A new life_ , she thought. Even if it wasn't the best new start, it was still one, and she would just have to work until she have enough money to head to LA. Until then, she had to go to her father's. She called a cab, and went straight there.

When she rang the bell of the house, a still half-asleep woman opened her.

"Who are you? And why so soon this morning?"

"Is my father there?"

"Your father?" Told her the woman, a shocked look on her face.

"Yeah, you know, the man that created me by fucking my mother?"

And he appeared behind the woman.

"Hey, darling, what are you doing here?" he asked her, with a big smile.

The word darling in his mouth brought bad memories, and she shook her head to wipe them away.

"Dad, hi. Can I stay here for a while?"

"Hum… Well, why did you left your mother home?"

"Can I, or not?"

"I guess… Did your mom knows?"

"She didn't even care about me, so…"

Her father let a loud gasp out.

"Come in, you can stay in the guest room."

"'Kay, thanks."

And she got herself in, walking toward her new room, in this house she used to know under the tips of her fingers.

"You never told me that you had a daughter!" She heard the woman whisper. "It's a great thing she's here, she looks… broken, hungry…We'll be able to take care of her."

Another caring soul. She had a hard time with this kind of people. They would be better if they didn't care about her, let her be. And that's how the name of step-monster came in. It wasn't because she was mean, no, it was the exact opposite.

Beca looked for a job in the first two months of summer, but she couldn't find anything. And that's how, one night, her step-monster came up with the idea of her, going to Barden, where she could major in music, to get more possibilities in the future. She didn't wanted to, but her father got her in, despite her protests. The summer was ending, her first year at Barden was going to start soon. She had healed from the wounds HE had made on her, and she was grateful. She still got scars here and there, and didn't bear the idea of someone touching her, but, still, it was a start.

* * *

Her father had stopped drinking, and it was a relief for Beca. But when her father's girlfriend went out for a business trip, a week before Beca start school, he went out at a bar, and got drunk. When he came home, he headed straight to Beca's room. _He can't! He won't do that again, he is a new man!_ She told herself, panicked.

"Darling! Iloveyou! I- I have missed you!" he told her, before going on top of her in her bed. "Show me that you still love me too!"

"NO!" Beca screamed.

"Then, I'll be the one who'll shows you. Just like when you were young. I've always loved you more than your mom."

"No! No! Don't do that!" she repeated like a mantra, while bursting in tears.

But he did it, unaware of her protests, he hurt her, broke her even more if it was even possible.

"Hope you won't get pregnant." Was the thing he told her before he went to his room.

Sobbing, hurting, she took her stuff, and went to a motel room, that she rented until the beginning of the year, with her pocket money. She wouldn't be alone in her dorm, and nobody could hurt her there.

And she curled herself on the insalubrious bed, crying herself to sleep.

* * *

When she met Chloe for the first time, she felt like she could open up to her. Not now, but maybe a day. She had that look, the one that when you see, you know you can trust this person.

* * *

Her father came a few times, to apologises, saying that he didn't knew what he was doing that day, that he wasn't himself. But how can she possibly forgive him?

* * *

The redhead busted in her shower, not long after, and Beca had to hide herself, so she won't see the scars, the one she was giving herself, nor the ones he made on her body.

She do noticed, but didn't ask. And Beca was grateful.

* * *

After a year in company of the girls, that she knew they wouldn't hurt her, she started opening up.

"I've never been the kind of girl that hang out with girls. I mean… I never had friends."

"We'll always be by your side." Said fat Amy

"Yeah, you can trust us." Replied Chloe.

And there was this fire that light up inside the Brunette chest.

* * *

Beca had really thought that Jesse was the right guy; but after a few weeks or so, he could not stand not being able to touch her, he didn't understand why, and she did not wanted to tell him anything. They decided to stay good friends, but nothing more. And the Bellas took care of her during her heartbreak. If having friends was that, Beca wanted to keep these girls with her forever.

* * *

She became closer to Chloe in the next two years, starting to tell her small details, to see if she was scared of her. The redhead never backed off, was always listening to her.

* * *

That night, they were partying for their third national award. And Beca drank, again and again. She had loosen up in the last three years. The girls were able to touch her a bit without her going all crazy over it. It still had some limits to not go through, but it was still better than it was. So that night, she took Chloe on her room and show her all her scars, the ones she made to herself, and she explained to the redhead that the other ones were from her step-father, when he was beating her, hitting her until she was bleeding.

Chloe's eyes were filled with tears. She did knew that her best friend was hurting herself, because of the scars she had seen sometimes, or the blood that stained her clothes or her sheets times to times, but she never wasn't expecting an horror story like that.

The only thing the girl with blue eyes could think of doing, and it was wrong, was kissing every scars on her body, one by one. But she just took Beca in her harms instead, and petted her hair, while she was crying.

The brunette was grateful that the older girl didn't run away. She clung to her as if her life depended on it. They slept in the arms of one another, Beca curled up in her arms, as a baby.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**

 **Sorry for posting so late, but I had such a busy week!**

 **There it is, the second part, finally!**

 **I want to thank you, you are such amazing readers! Thanks for the reviews, it means so muc to me, and also to all of you that had followed/favourited (Is that even a word?) this story. Your love gives wings to my fingers and comfort my heart.**

 **Be careful, Self-Harm is a theme on this chapter.**

 **If you self-harm, please, don't stay alone with that. Get help, talk to someone you trust. You can even come to me to talk, I can help, i've been** **through that** **, and please, please, be careful. Your life is worth it, even if you don't get that now.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

Chloe started being there more often for Beca. She tried to help her to stop self-harming. But it was harder for Beca than what she thought first. It was an old habit for her, a usual answer to her problems, it was her own way to cope. When she was sliding the blade on her skin, it was like she was finally able to breathe, to live like she hadn't lived the horror she'd been through. But it was for a few minutes. The best she had been able to do, is to space the cutting for some days, here and there. It was easier when she was with the Bellas, or with Chloe.

* * *

Their last year had just started, and Beca was already worried about what she'll do without her friends. Each time she was thinking about that, it was like she was thrown over the edge of a giant building, in a free fall. How could she survive without them? They were the ones that saved her.

* * *

Beca had started an internship, in a music studio, just as she had always wanted to. But she was so afraid to tell her best friend. Maybe that she'll be mad at me to do other stuff than the Bella, she'll let her down. So Beca kept the secret on her part-time job.

* * *

When they went to the car show to size DSM, their competition, it was the first time Beca's heart had beat that fast and lout since a long time. Then, the leader, this wonderful, pretty woman came to the group. She looked amazing, near like that. But she was insulting Beca's crew. She had to answer, to make her eat her words back. Her own pride wasn't anything that she wanted to fight for, she could bring her down as much as she wanted, but her friends was a whole other thing. And the giant goddess took a step toward her, and this close to her, Beca wasn't even able to restrain her words.

"You're physically flawless… "

The blonde smiled, as a predator, happy to see her prey scared, and Beca's though weren't clear anymore. _Yeah, protect the Bellas from her_ , she remembered.

"But that doesn't mean that I like you!"

What was going on with her? It wasn't even a beginning of an insult. Where was her repartee? She was so good at that usually! Chloe saved her, saying that they're gonna blow minds at World, and Beca couldn't more agree. But the germain and his friend – _not her boyfriend, please_ – she thought, shouted again. And went away, while the brunette said –

"You make me really sexually confused. – FUCK! "

What was that? She was straight! They couldn't have been right, when they called her a dike, could they? And the pain of their hate, when she was younger, came back. It hurted so bad! She ran away to the bathroom, her hand in her pocket, holding to her blade. She had to come back in the moment, and the only way for her to forget what she was feeling was to cut her skin. She sobbed while she cutted her soft, pale arm skin, one time, two times, three times. She was about to dig the blade in her skin again, letting the blood create a thin river on her arm when she heard the door opening. Ok, it was a public bathroom, but still… She slide down her long sleeves, but haven't seen that the blood was running over her hand. She left the toilet, looking in front of her, as fast as she could. In her hurry, the brunette haven't noticed who had entered. The tall blonde looked at the small girl and noticed that drops of blood were falling from her hand to the floor. She wanted to go after the frail girl to tell her that she was bleeding, but she went out of sight before she could reach her.

* * *

Chloe understood what Beca had done in the bathroom, but she don't wanted to talk in front of the other girls, they didn't knew. She had a hard time to not ask. When they got home, Chloe took Beca in her own room.

"What happened?"

"Yeah, I know I screwed up, complimenting-insulting her. I didn't meant to! It was like if I wasn't able to restrain myself!"

"That's not what I was asking! I got that she's pretty and all, and I must agree with you on that, but why did you hurt yourself, babe?"

"I – You know – It's – It's complicated" Beca said, reluctant to tell her why.

"Well, I'm pretty sure that I can get it, you always told me everything."

"Do you think that I'm a lesbian?"

"Well, we all got to make our own experiences, and I think there's no shame, even if you're not straight." Said the redhead, putting a hand over the shoulder of her friend.

"They… They used to call me that, and I was always telling myself that they were wrong. But -"

"And even if they were right? What would happen to you? You would still be the same Beca that we all know and love! The only thing, is that you would have to _lesbehonest_ with yourself and all of us."

"Yeah, I guess..."

"Now, show me. We have to clean theses scars."

Looking at her ceiling, later on, Beca admitted to herself that – maybe – it wasn't that bad to be gay. And she remembered, when she was really young, she used to play with dolls, saying that two girls were together, the two moms. It wasn't anything new, and they were fine with Cynthia-Rose, so why would they reject her?

She admitted, that night, to herself, that she was loving girls, a little bit, and she felt asleep, whit a smile – a real one – for once.

* * *

The second time they met DSM, at the riff-off, the tall German came to her. She wanted to know why she had seen that blood dripping from her fingers, the last time, and must admit that she was attracted toward the petite brunette. But Chloe was with her. Too bad for her, she would talk to her anyway. But not now. They could tease the two Bella, just to have fun, couldn't they?

And there was Beca, again, screwing everything up. She wasn't able to keep her mind straight around this goddess – Wait, what? – She wasn't able to speak as a human being.

"So, have you abandoned your foolish plan to beat us at the world?"

"You wish, you… gorgeous specimen!"

Damn it! She was so screwed up, not even able to tell two words without being too _nice_ to their competition. Yeah, she was pretty and all, but the brunette had to keep her mind straight to be able to save the Bella from their faith. Legacy wanted so bad to be a Bella, and they should do everything possible to help her take the lead after them, let her keep going on with the Bella's traditions. It was a great group of girls, and she couldn't let them fall apart!

"She's really in my head" Beca whispered to Chloe, uncomfortable. She was starting to get why she was acting all weird and shit around the gold-haired girl, but she wasn't ready for that. It was almost yesterday that she'd been broken by anyone she trusted.

"Yeah I know, but get your shit together. I know you're into her, but we must beat them first, and then you can go after her." Chloe answered back in a whisper.

The awkward conversation went on, but Beca had fallen into her eyes. She went on talking, mumbling things that she didn't even recall. And saving her ass, the riff-off started.

* * *

Was DSM really signing "the tong song"? Yes they were. And Beca's belly and cheeks went all hot when the German pointed her while singing. Was that a clue? An invitation? Nah, the brunette had to focus on the songs to win.

They made it to the last round, but the goddess went dancing, moving her hips, and Beca could only stare at her in awe. She wanted to grab 'em, dance with 'em, feel 'em under her hands. – _Stop_! – She told herself. That wasn't even helpful. And before she could even take a hold on herself back, Emily sang her song, and they lose.

Great. They weren't able to beat DSM at a small contest, how could they beat them at the world? The DJ, angry at herself because they had lost – _because of me_ – she thought, went to the bathroom, away from the party led by the winning group. She was thinking about erasing her sins on her skin and she never noticed the tall girl following her.

She locked herself in a cabinet and crawled to the floor, crying, her blade in her hand and her long sleeve rolled up. She was about to dig the blade in her skin when someone knocked on her door.

"Go away" She said.

No one answered on the other side of the door.

Whoever was here, she left, that's great, she told herself. But the door opened, someone had just kicked it.

"Chloe, just leave me alo-"

She went speechless when she saw who was there. It wasn't her best friend, not a Bella either.

"This is not a toy for the kids." Said Kommissar, while she took the blade from the brunette's hands.

"Hey, you have no rights to do that! It's mine!" She was so shocked that she never noticed that her sleeves were still up, her wrists exposed. She jumped on her feet to try to took it back, and the gold-haired girl grabbed her harm to see the scars.

Beca hit her, and jumped away, sticking herself to the wall on the other side of Kommissar.

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME!" she screamed, wrapping her hands around herself.

"Feisty Maus, I am not going to hurt you." Her voice was soft as silk, as if she was trying to tame a savage animal.

"What were you doing here?" Beca said, in a voice less angry that she wanted to sound.

The other girl take several steps toward her, and the brunette was trying to get inside the wall.

"Last time I saw you, you rushed out of the bathroom at the car show, and blood dripped out of your hand. I had to talk to you, but you are always with that bimbo redhead so-"

"Hey, be careful, this girl is my best friend."

"So you are always with her, but you went alone in the bathroom, and I followed you here. You were crying, and I thought something was wrong. So I opened the door, and you were about to do _that_."

"So you're like a stalker, following me around, and all..."

"No, I was worried about you."

"What? We didn't even know each other!" Said the brunette, shocked.

"Does that bother you, really?"

"It's weird, I mean, we are running against each other, so even if I _die_ , you should be happy."

"That wouldn't be fair play, you are a great competitor. And you made a great impression on me the first time we met. After the world, we can be friends, I guess."

Beca was stunned. She _liked_ her?

"Here's my number, text me instead of doing _that_." The german said, pointing at her wrist.

"I hate to see that you're hurt. You can talk to me, and as you said, we don't know each other, so it might help speaking... Pieter will be searching for me, I should get going. But I'm bringing this with me." She added, showing the razor blade to Beca.

The Bella wasn't even able to give a proper answer, opening and closing her mouth a few times. Her head was saturated. The blonde turned around with a smirk on her face and get out of the bathroom.

Fuck! What did just happened? They liked one another? Sure thing, she had the blonde's number, and finally, her name.

"Kommissar... How suiting. Strong, proud and imposing as she really is, if that's her real name!"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N**

 **Hey! There is the chapter 3! Sooner than the last one :)**

 **Thanks for the Aca-mazing reviews, it means a lot to me. But thanks to all of you, amazing readers! Thanks for the follows/favorites, everytime I got a mail about that, I'm so amased!**

 **It's thanks to you that I keep on with this story! And I'm not sure yet, but I'll probably wrote 5 chapter instead of 3 or 4, I want to get a good closure :)**

 **The same warnings apply on this chapter, explicit self-harm.**

 **Love Y'all! Keep reviewing, if you like! :)**

* * *

It had been two weeks since Beca had seen Kommissar for the last time. She hadn't hurt herself since. She was almost living in a happiness bubble, and Chloe started wondering why. Beca haven't told her about what happened in the toilet, neither about Kommissar's number.

Every time she was feeling bad, she thought about texting the DSM leader, but she never did. Wasn't it a bad idea? Chloe had told her to go after her only once they had beat them. And she stick to what her best friend had told her, she couldn't lose her over a crush.

But still, she wanted to text her so bad, to get to know her. Maybe she could just text her so she would get her number? She convinced herself that it was a great idea, and went for it.

"Hello!"

And she pressed send. The answer came seconds after

"Hey, Feisty Maus. What is happening?"

Yeah, of course, she knew it was her. Was she waiting for a text from her? At this thought, Beca's stomach contracted, and a smile lifted her mouth corners.

"How do you knew it was me?" Beca texted rapidly.

"You are the only one that text me in English."

Oh, of course. She hadn't seen it like that, but she was right. She had nothing special for her, except her language. The heat inside of her turned into a heavy metallic weight. She thought she was special for her. There it was for her big _expectations_. She rolled on her bed and hugged her pillow, biting it, trying not to cry. _Who could like me, I'm such a mess, a horrible person_ , she told herself. She was about to go in the bathroom to get a new blade, since the German bitch had took her last, when she heard the usual "ding" of her cellphone ringtone. She looked at it.

"Don't you hurt yourself or I will get angry. And you don't want to see me like that."

How did she knew what she was about to do? Well, the blonde had told her to text her instead of hurting herself, so she probably thought that she was texting because of that.

"Beca!" Was saying the next text.

The bella chose not to answer. It was none of her business, wasn't it? And even if she get mad, what could happen? She was on tour on the other side of the country.

The brunette locked herself in the bathroom and took a new blade from her false shaving kit and started her ritual. She rolled her sleeves, and looked for the better place to put a mark on her skin. And she cutted, deep enough. The blood rolled on her arm, and she put a towel to absorb it. _This one was for being happy_. And she cut again. _This one was because I thought I was special for her_. And again. _For being such a hopeful fool_. And another. _This one for thinking that someone could actually like you and care for you_. And she went on like that until her harm started to hurt and itch. The towel was full of blood, and Beca put her head on the floor and cried herself to sleep.

She never looked at her phone again, but he was ringing again and again. The last vibration that her cellphone made was a texto from the blonde again. She had 12 missed calls from her.

"Since I'm worried about you, and I haven't had any answer, I'm coming over."

* * *

Kommissar had waited for the last two weeks to hear from her little Maus. Well, waiting was a big word, cause she knew that if the brunette texted her, it will be because she was about to hurt herself, and that was bad. But still, since she left her in the toilet, she felt like everything she used to do was blurred, less interesting.

Her text had lit up her day, but she went all worried when Beca handwriting changed. It was bubbly with those "!" she put, but… It went sad. So she asked her not to cut herself, and she understood that it wasn't a great idea just after she had pressed send. And she didn't get no answer. She wrote something else every five minutes for half an hour, but still, nothing. So she started calling. No answer, once again. Fuck! Was she hurt badly? Was it her fault? And if she cut herself on her jugular vein? Maybe she was dead! No! The blonde couldn't think about that. But the calls had no answers, and she couldn't stop worrying.

She had a show that night, with DSM, but she was so worried about her Maus that she went straight to Pieter and told him that she wouldn't be there to the show and without further more explanations, she went to the car she had been given for the tour. She send a last text to Beca, telling her that she was coming, and hit the road. She was only two hours away from Barden University.

Maybe she was a little overprotective, or a stalker, but she had made research about the Bella. Since they had won a national contest, they got their own building, and the brunette was living in the room at the back of the house at the second floor, with her friend fat Amy. She would get in the room unnoticed by climbing in the tree next to the window. She just had to wish that her roommate wasn't there.

Soon enough, she was there. Well, she drove faster than she should have. She was really agile and climbing to the tree was an easy task. She got in, walking on the tip of her toes since the room was dark and she couldn't see if fat Amy was there. Well, the room was empty, and Beca's cellphone was on the bed. That was why she hadn't answered. Did all the road up to here had been done for nothing? Yeah, pretty much, the Bellas were probably out having fun and shit, and Beca had just forgot her cell.

She let a loud gasp out, but she heard laughs coming from the first floor. The Bellas were downstairs. Was Beca with them? Staying in the shadows of the hall, she looked around. They were all there, except Beca. Was she out with someone? This idea made her clench her fists. Maybe she was in the bathroom when she got in? She went back to Beca's room and tried to open it. It was locked from the inside.

Resourceful, the German unlocked it with a credit card. It was a simple lock, and she had skills. When she opened the door, the first thing that she saw was Beca on the floor, eyes closed, blood on the floor and under her harm. She hold back a scream.

She had just found her. She couldn't be dead, could she? That would be the karma punishing her. But she was breathing, her shoulders lifting slowly, and she mumbled in her sleep.

"Don't touch me, don't hit me, please!" Beca said suddenly, louder.

It was loud enough that Kommissar thought she was awake.

"I won't hurt you, Klein Maus, I already told you." She answered.

But Beca was still asleep, and still having a bad dream.

"Dad, don't do that, you know it hurts me. Don't do that, don't do that, don't do that…" The petite girl said, repeating herself.

Kommissar was shocked. Her father was hurting her? She suddenly felt the emergency to take care of her, to protect her. The German took the - now red - towel and washed it in the sink, washed the stained floor, looked for a first aid kit and slowly take care of the wounds on Beca. She was still asleep, saying words times to times, unaware of what was happening. She looked less in pain when she was sleeping.

Kommissar took her in her bed and put the blankets over her shoulders. She kissed her forehead.

"Sleep tight, Feisty Maus."

And the blonde faded in the night.

* * *

Beca woke up, next morning, in her bed. Fat Amy was on the other bed, snoring. Wait! She was in the bathroom, her harm full of blood and cuts when she felt asleep! How is it possible that she ended up in her bed? As she went to grab her cellphone, she noticed a bandage on her wounded harm. She would never do that, she didn't take care of her cuts. Whatever if they get infected, taking care of herself was the exact opposite of what she was doing when she cut herself, so she always let them uncovered.

Well, when Chloe noticed she had hurt herself, she was taking care of her wounds, and it was ok for Beca. But touching her in her sleep was wrong, against her will. So she had to talk to the redhead about that. She dressed up, with long sleeves as usual, and went straight to her room, without a further look on her cellphone.

* * *

Beca knocked twice on the other leader door, and get herself in. She was awake, but not out of the bed.

"You're up early, Becs!"

"Why did you do that while I was sleeping?" She asked her, showing her harm.

"You hurted yourself again? Why?"

"Answer my question! I asked first!"

"Well, I didn't do nothing, I didn't knew you had hurt yourself, obviously."

The brunette began to doubt. Could her friend fake that well the surprise of her hurting herself?

"Well, there's no one beside you that know that."

"You sure 'bout that?"

"Yeah.. Well, I mean, there's someone else, but it's impossible."

"Who's that?" asked Chloe, slightly smiling, happy that her friend had told someone else.

"H'm… I don't think you want to know… You'll be mad."

"Oh, c'mon! Tell your best friend! And I could rely on her too, to try to help you."

"No, you won't… "

"Beca, please!"

"Ok, ok! But swear you won't get mad."

"I swear!" said the redhead, raising her hand, and putting her on her heart.

"It's Kommissar."

"Who again?"

"H'm.. The tall blond wonderful German goddess."

"What? How did she knew? The leader of fucking DSM?"

"You swore!"

"Well, I don't get why you have told _her_!"

Beca explained her what happened on the car show and at the riff-off, and about her number.

"So, you mean that she gave you her number? That's great, Becs! Why didn't you told me sooner?"

"I thought you would be mad at me, and I was so afraid to lose you over a stupid crush."

"It's not a stupid crush! It's a two way thing!" Said Chloe, smiling.

"Well, I don't think so, not after yesterday."

"What, after yesterday?"

"Well, I texted her, and I just wanted her to have my number, but she reje-" Beca stopped talking when she opened her phone. 12 missed calls from Kommissar, 7 unread texts from her too.

"What?" Asked Chloe.

Beca, stunned, just showed her cellphone to her best friend, and Chloe giggled.

"Well, she's _really_ into you!"

Beca read the texts, and it hits her.

"It wasn't you, it was her! She came all the way here and take care of my harm!"

"Obviously."

"Do you think I should retext her?"

"Yeah, of course!"

"But – you said – I mean – they are…"

"Well, go get her, tiger, even if that's not what I said. She is good for you, and she might help me with the cutting."

"Thanks for the blessing, I guess?" Beca said, smiling

* * *

Beca was afraid. What if Kommissar was pushing her? What if she couldn't bear what she had been through? She wasn't strong enough to go with someone, to open up and be rejected. Well, she at least knew for the cutting, and she was still around, coming from nowhere to take care of her.

The girl had potential to be a good girlfriend. Was it enough to help Beca to support her burden? And was the brunette willing to try and open up? Cause she would have to, and she would have to tell her everything – that was what the DJ was afraid – even the things that no one else knew. Events that Chloe was unaware of, what happened with her father.

* * *

Their "rehearsal" show went badly. It was like they weren't able to perform anymore, they had lost themselves. Beca hurt herself again, that day, not talking to anyone about that. She felt like it was her fault- again. Chloe, optimist as ever, told them about her idea, to find their sound again.

* * *

Beca haven't told her best friend yet about her internship, and she had no other choice then to do it after their fight, at Aubrey's boot camp. Well, she was relieved. No secret for the redhead anymore. Aca-mazing. And she was fine with her _moving on for the real life_ shit. Beca was afraid to leave the Bella, her security, but the only thing she really wanted was the music. Music was her life. And Emily sang her song. The in-training music producer listened to the lyrics, for once, and found herself in them. "Stuck in the dark" was her. But who was her flashlight? Yeah, the Bella had always been there for her, but… It wasn't exactly that.

She would have to text Kommissar back, for what she had done for her. At least to thank her.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N**

 **Hey guys! Finally got the chapter 4! Sorry for the wait, I had a crazy busy (vacation) week at my parent's, adding to the mold problem in my appartment, yada yada...**

 **SO. Here it is, hope you enjoy. Sorry for the angst, please try to not throw rocks at me, the story just pop out of my head like that.** **The same warnings apply here.**

 **AND. THANKS SOOOOOO MUCH for all the reviews (you are the bests!), the favorites and (YAY!) THE -OVER- 100'S OF FOLLOWERS! You guys are ACA-MAZING! :) *Dancing and jumping around***

 **Oh! Last thing, sorry for the mistakes. Since this isn't my native tongue, i'm not sooo good. Hope you still enjoy, though.** **Love ya'll, and i'll try to update faster next time :)**

* * *

Beca couldn't manage to get a hold on herself to talk to Kommissar. Yeah, she had helped her, but she also had touched her without her permission.

She still didn't get why she'd come to help her thought. Maybe if she texted her, then she could have answers? At least, it would be easier than having to confront her if she came all the way here.

Since the Bella had found their sound at Aubrey's boot camp, they had to rehearse, in order to get ready for the world. It was only a month away, and they had to be perfect, since DSM was the favourite group.

And Kommissar was their leader.

 _I can't fraternize with the enemy_ , Beca told herself.

But it was ok to get answers to her questions, wasn't it?

She took her phone and scroll down to her contact list, to "K".

"Why did you came over, last time?" It was pretty rude, but it goes straight to the point. Beca pressed send.

She was staring at her phone, biting her lip, waiting for an answer. After almost a minute, she got a hold on herself and decided to head to the shower. At least it would be more productive than waiting there for an answer.

She got a text one hour after hers.

"Because I was afraid that you would have done something stupid. And I was right."

What was that? What does that means? She was afraid? Being afraid for someone was a way to tell her that she cared. Was it even possible?

Theses thoughts were running in Beca's head. She had to get answers, she had to know. So she typed a new text message.

"But you aren't afraid about what I do to myself."

The answer came shortly after that. Maybe that DSM rehearsals were over by now.

"No, I'm not. Why? Should I be?"

Beca took the time to read her message again, and again. It looked like a trap, and Kommissar was good to send her to a mice trap. After all, she wasn't the little _Maus_ for nothing! The brunette wasn't used to talk about herself, and there's only Chloe that knew about a part, and only a part, of her past. The beautiful blonde couldn't take any of that. She was in control, but proud and fearless, all the opposite of what Beca was.

At least, Kommissar deserved to know the truth, before she shut her out. Well, people were shutting themselves out, in fact.

"Well usually, people ran away screaming when they found out."

Her text seemed odd. It looked like she was talking to a lot of people, but she wasn't, in fact. To correct her mistake, she shortly send another one.

"It's not that they had been a lot, but the few that knew went away. Chloe is sticking around, and she's the only one."

Now that the German girl knew, she would probably get away. If her burden is heavy enough to make everyone run away, the beautiful girl wasn't the exception. But what a surprise! Her phone vibrated.

"I just don't want you to get more hurt than you already are, Liebling."

God, that was impossible, wasn't it? She was worried for her, for REAL. She had come over to look after her, to take care of her wounds, of her, to make sure Beca was safe. So that meant -…

"Cause you care?" The Bella asked.

Did she wanted to know the answer? She would be disappointed if it wasn't what she expected.

"I already told you that you are a great competitor."

That wasn't even the beginning of a proper answer. It was like she cared only to get a good competition. Well, maybe it was? She had to get that clear, to get rid of that weight starting to push on her stomach.

"This is not an answer to my question."

The answer was long to get in. It was a torture. Writing _yes_ or _no_ wasn't that hard and that long. Probably that what was coming was bad. Pretty bad. The weight gained pounds every seconds passing by. She was about to crawl in her bed to cry when she got an answer.

"See you at the world."

 _DAMN_. The mass in her belly turned metallic, cold and eager. She felt the bittersweet taste in her mouth and the salted water running under her chins. How could she possibly move? Her body was stoned, curved in her bed, biting her lip not to cry too loud.

She hated her, in fact. Kommissar gave her number to Beca to get her trough the world as a competitor, and Beca had set her expectations too high. It was always like that, when she was starting to trust someone.

The monster of her mother, her father, Jesse, so many people to remind her that if she was trusting someone, they would use it to crush her.

The pain was so heavy in her chest, she almost couldn't bear it. She knew a way to relieve her pain, to make it a little better for a while. She slowly raised from her bed and head to the bathroom.

If she died that day, it wouldn't matter. So with every cut, she pressed the blade a little bit more inside her skin. They were deeper than she used to make them. The two sides of the skin didn't touched anymore. She made three more of those and said, whispering, _sorry_ , before her whole world went black.

* * *

When Chloe heard that noise coming from upstairs, when all the Bella were in the kitchen, except Beca, she rushed through her room, knowing that when the brunette was locking herself in the bathroom, it was bad news. Well, of course, Chloe had a key to Beca's bathroom, and she unlocked the door, finding that her best friend had fallen from the toilet, face first. Blood was all over her clothes.

She reached to Beca's harm, to see how bad the cuts were. When she saw it, she gasped.

The redhead reached to get a towel, and put it over the wounds, cleaned the blood -so much blood - and bring Beca in a hurry at the nearest hospital.

* * *

When Beca wakes up, she was in a bed, but the lights were so bright and so white that she couldn't manage to see where she was. Well, it wasn't in her bed, for sure.

The next think she thought about was her harm. It wasn't hurting as it was supposed to, she just didn't feel a thing.

Slowly opening her eyes, she heard her best friend talking.

"It was about time you wake up! I was so worried!"

"Chlo? Where are we? And why were you waiting for me to wake up?"

Her voice was hoarse as if she was smoking 3 packs a day.

"We're at the hospital. You hurt yourself very badly, Becs" the redhead eyes were full of tears, but she wanted to stay strong. "The doctor had made stitches and said that you were lucky to still be alive after losing that much blood."

Ashamed that her friend had seen her in that position, Beca buried her hands in her face.

"Why did you do that?" Chloe asked her, suddenly.

What could she tell her? After all, her best friend had found her, and had always been supportive in the past. But, can she tell her why? Yeah, she had a crush, but how could she tell Chloe that she was ready to die over her? Over a heart break? It wasn't a good reason.

"Please. I swear I won't judge."

"I – I was texting her and she – she just…" The small girl couldn't end her sentence, digging her nails into her palms to help her not to cry. The white, hard lights were helping, but still, some tears managed to roll out of her eyes.

"That German bitch. I'll tell her what I think of that. Don't mess with -"

"No, please, Chloe. I was dumb, and I thought that she cared about me, but I was wrong." Beca told her friend. "It was all my fault, and I deserved what I did. It would have been better if I died."

" _NEVER, EVER_ , say that again." Her friend told her, anger in her voice. "You deserve way much better than all of us, and you are so much stronger. Nobody wants you dead, especially not me. And if she haven't seen all your pretty qualities, too bad for her, you deserve better than her."

A shy, tiny smile painted itself over Beca's lips.

"Thanks, Chlo."

"You're welcomed. Now, get some rest. They keep you until tomorrow, to run some tests."

"'Kay. Dude, can you stay over, for the night?"

"Of course. If I'm not here and you wake up, I'll probably be in the lunch area, and I'll come back as soon as my meal is over."

"Thanks." Tells the younger girl, before drifting to sleep, her eyes closing by themselves.

* * *

As soon as Beca felt asleep, Chloe took her phone and got out of the building. Since no phone calls were allowed in the hospital, she would call from outside. She was so mad after the un-brained blonde, since she was the reason her bestie almost died that she didn't think twice.

She called Kommissar's number, waiting for her to pick up.

"Hallo, Klein Maus, is everything alright?"

"It's not her, you idiot."

"Oh, you must be the red girl. Why did you call, from her phone?"

"She can't talk to you. I called to warn you. Cut your crap, and leave her alone."

"Is she hurt?"

"Yeah, like you care about her." Said Chloe, angrily

"Yes, I do. So please tell me what happened."

"I won't tell you shit since it's your fault that she's in hospital and that she almost died."

"What?" The German blurted out.

"Shit. Listen close. I don't want you to contact her anymore, you're hurting her more than helping her."

"Where are you now?"

"Bye." Answered the redhead, ending the conversation.

She closed the phone, knowing that she already had told too much and that the blonde wouldn't stop to call until she knew what was going on. It was easier that way. She got back in Beca's room, sat on the small couch, and felt asleep.

* * *

On the hotel room, Kommissar was walking over, going out of the room, and tried to call again her little Maus. When she didn't get any answer, she got back in the room, walking in, and doing it all over again.

Pieter was in the room with her and he was worried about the leader. She was always taking on her, this pattern wasn't like her. She looked worried, and that was so much unlike her.

He took her by the arm and sits her down on the bed.

"What's that worrying for?"

"Meine Kleine Maus… She's hurt. And her friend told me to stay away, because it was my fault she almost died."

"How do you know it's true?"

"She asked me if I cared about her and I _freaked out_ , so I avoided the question and I said that I would see her at the world."

"And you do care?"

"Of course! But how can I tell her that?" answered the Kommissar, a sad look on her face.

"I know it's hard for you to express these things, but you should try to get this right."

"Well, I was trying, just before, but the redhead closed the phone, and my calls are going straight to voicemail."

"You got to go out there and get her" said Pieter, fiercely.

"But I don't even know at which hospital she is."

"Well, you should text her and wait for an answer. Her phone will not be closed forever."

"And what should I tell her?"

"That you _DO_ care, in fact, but you're afraid to tell these things."

"Danke, Pieter"

He nodded, a small smile on his face. In fact, he was happy that his best friend was opening up to someone. She deserved it.

He looked at her while she was typing on her phone, and thought that this mouse was a great thing in her life. Maybe she'll loosen up if she got her at her side, putting her over-protective side on the Bella and not on DSM anymore.

* * *

When Beca came back at the Bella's house, she went straight to her room, to look at the stitches. It was itching, and the doctor had told her to keep them clean, neat, and that they would dissolve in a week or two.

He also asked her if she was alright, since they weren't the only ones on her body. She had answered a small yes, and even with that, he wrote her up on a waiting list to see a psychologist. That was the bad side of going to hospital. At least, they didn't called her parents, and didn't get her in the psychiatry aisle.

It would have been catastrophic, two weeks and a half before the world.

With a sight, she dressed herself in other clothes, with long sleeves, to hide the recent scars. She opened her phone, even though she didn't remembered closing it.

What was her surprise when she saw that she had 20 missed calls from the beautiful German, 4 vocal messages and one text from her.

She listened to the four messages.

"Hey, Maus… How are you? Call me back, please."

"It's me again. Please pick up the phone."

"Hello… I know that your ginger friend don't want me to contact you anymore, but please, call back."

"Maus, I'm worried. Call me back as soon as you hear that."

Her voice was more high pitched and seemed... concerned as the messages were going on. But Beca told herself that Kommissar should stop doing that, it was getting her deadly sick. Chloe had also made herself clear, as she understood in the messages.

The German didn't get what was going on, and Beca was walking over egg shells. She wanted her, oh, so badly, but the other wasn't interested. She was pushing her away, and that was bad for the brunette. She wanted more than just a friendship but it was a one-side crush.

Still, she unlocked her phone to read the text of the german girl.

"You wanted to know, and I'm not sure how to tell you that… but I do care about you. More than I should, but I get that you don't want me to."

Tears were running down Beca's cheeks. _She do care, she does_ … _But how could she think that I'm not into her after all that?_

The Bella wanted so badly to text her back, so she did.

"Safe and sound. And I care, too."

After a slight hesitation, she pressed send. _Come what may._ She tought to herself.


End file.
